Just let the Aunties introduce you

It’s time we start saying yes to one of our culture’s great traditions

As rates of marriage and dating decline in the US, it’s worth exploring why many of us reject one of our culture’s notable traditions: the Auntie-introduced match. This reluctance reflects deeper discomforts we have with our cultural identity.

When we visit home and get pulled aside by Neeraja Auntie at the pooja saying she has a “great guy who also lives in New York and comes from a wonderful family”, we slink away pretending to see an old friend. When our mom sends us an unsolicited, cropped and aggressively-zoomed-in photo of an Indian girl, we do our best to pretend she never sent it.

What are we really rejecting when we say no to these intros?

We‘re rejecting the idea that an Indian person might be our top choice for a life partner.

The reverse, modern-day White Man’s Burden on all of us is that it can be hard to idolize Indian. We didn’t grow up with many Indian role models in society and Bollywood was a world away. Our childhood was fantasizing about Britney and Ashton, not as much Bipasha and Abhishek.

For many of us, it’s weird to think that our first choice would be to marry an Indian person. Sure we had that one situationship in high school and college but otherwise have pretty much steered clear.

Plus, why settle for an Indian person when culture and heritage aren’t necessarily top priorities for us?

The funny thing is, while all this is true in your late teens and twenties, you’d be blown away by how many people turn back to the Indian community in their late 20s and 30s. The Western looks they idolized matter much less. The warmth of sharing a cultural heritage with a life partner is real. Not having to explain taking your shoes off, using your right hand or chai culture feels like a warm blanket.

Note that I do think this “turning back” applies more to Indian American Women than Men, but it’s just my observation.

<Don’t reject it. Be open to the fact that an Indian American partner could be a great choice. Its just an introduction you don’t have to marry them>

We’re rejecting that idea that Aunties can beat the Apps

We have ingrained in us a few pesky ideas that won’t go away:

• We think we’re special and the statistics don’t apply to us. Surprise — we’re all a statistic in some way. The lower % of people dating, having sex and marrying includes us too. Every year that passes we join those statistics.
• We think the Aunties don’t know us that well. Surprise — they do. These people helped raise you and know you better than you think. Sure they don’t know what Netflix shows you like, but they know your character.
• We think the Auntie pool of talent is weak. Surprise — they know the same type of people from your privileged zip code as you do. Not that much different than the filters you’re applying in the Apps.

There’s a reason why married people say “I never would have thought I would end up with X as my partner”. That’s because marriage is so often an unexpected match. Keyword unexpected. Not a series of filters on an app.

Ultimately you have to let love in.

<Don’t reject it. Be open to the fact that Aunties actually know you and might know other good people. Its just an introduction you don’t have to marry them>

We’re rejecting doing another thing our family wants.

Some of us have lived our whole lives pleasing our families, whether its our activities, college and career choices, and so much more. Our dating life is the one sacred, untouched area from parental influence.

If this is you, there’s a bigger conversation you need to be having with yourself about unshackling from family expectations. But I digress.

Bottom line: using the Auntie Network isn’t doing what your parents want — it’s maximizing your opportunities for love. If you miss out on a great relationship, let alone a life partner, then the only one losing out is you. Your parents lose nothing and frankly don’t care. The sooner you realize this the better.

<Don’t reject it. Rebelling against your family’s is so 2000-and-late. Remember, its just an introduction you don’t have to marry them>

Indian American Women are, rightfully, rejecting the Men who can be good on paper but insufferable in person.

Perhaps a controversial take, but I think Indian American Women are taking more risk when they accept an intro to a Desi Man, than the reverse. This is because the variance in Indian American Men’s character is, I believe, much higher.

You sensibly accept an intro because he has a great job/background, but when you meet him he’s a mama’s boy and turns out Drake is his identity. Many Indian American Men didn’t develop their own true personalities growing up, they borrowed from others. This hits differently in adulthood.

The most insidious trait I sometimes see amongst modern Indian American Men is that they say they want an equal marriage and to fully support their partners, but when pushes comes to shove they don’t. They fall back to the relationship archetypes they saw growing up.

In defense of my brethren, I’ll say that this isn’t true for all of us and also that people change. I was kind of insufferable when I started dating my now wife. But she made me into a better person, that’s what great partners do. The bet she took was on my underlying qualities.

Also Ladies — like it or not its a numbers game. You gotta get out there and take some risks. Plus Vishal’s cute and you can fix him :)

<Don’t reject it. Be open to the fact that people change and the face they present to you on the first date might not be who grow to be. Its just an introduction you don’t have to marry them>

I’m not saying that Indians have to all marry each other. I’m saying that your community’s network is one of the most powerful assets you’re not taking advantage of. One day you’d wish you had.